I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
