shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
