He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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