I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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