Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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