No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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