Only a mothe r could love this liver
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
