JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
