So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
