I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
