Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She told me I should be a condom model.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
