You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
