just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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