the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I cockslap morals
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
