I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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