I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just pee around me
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
