She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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