My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
