she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Pants are for mortals
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
