I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
