I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
