I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
