dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
