i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
