After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
even my farts smell like vagina
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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