sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
