I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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