the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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