I am puke
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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