My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
just found out that she named her cat after me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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