WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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