If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
