why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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