Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
