And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The uberlube is also flammable
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST