I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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