You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
