Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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