maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
