kristin has been a bad kristin
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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