I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
