I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize