My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
