just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
