every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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