OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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