Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
