Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
