My Higher Power is John Stamos
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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