i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
