...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
