I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
