I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
