Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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