how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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